I feel really bad about my body and my weight and I’m trying so hard not to, but it’s so tough like HOLY SHIT ugh why do I have to be like this. like this is huge for me and I KNOW I’ve gained a lot of weight. I mean, I’m visibly a lot chubbier in my stomach area. I still can’t think about food in a normal way but I try to eat in a normal way, and I suck at keeping up on exercising to the point where I do it for like three days and then stop. Like, I’m not crying about this or anything, but it’s just so upsetting to constantly have these brutal thoughts about yourself and feel so unattractive around all your friends and family even though you know they love you. It’s just so self destructive and like, when the fuck am I ever gonna be satisfied? you know? I’m just waiting for the day I can feel comfortable. Honestly and completely one-hundred percent c o m f o r a b l e in my body. That’s unrealistic though. I just wish I didn’t feel like I have to change my clothes a billion times because something is too tight and it makes me feel “fat” even though “fat” isn’t a feeling. I wish I didn’t care.
High school is over with and it hasn’t sunken in yet for me. It’s probably the most surreal experience yet. I still feel like I’ll be setting an alarm for five in the morning on Sunday night, but that’s not what’s gonna be happening. I’m turning eighteen in less than a month, I graduate in a little more than a week, and I’m going to college in a few months. If someone says they won’t miss high school they’re either lying or they didn’t do it right. There are certain aspects of high school that I hated, but I also loved it. I hate thinking about how I’m going to have so many responsibilities and I’ll be living on my own, and how the people I love won’t be around me every single day. I have a very, very, very hard time adjusting to new things. I just don’t want this summer to end and I want to do so much, and I want to keep the people I love in my life forever and I plan on doing that. Nobody will be able to get rid of me.
High school was a great experience. I regret nothing that I did. I had the most amazing memories and I did the most amazing, unbelievable, crazy things. It would all make a very good book that people would read and wish they had taken full advantage of their youth. A lot of people are young but they aren’t youthful. Some people are too serious all the time and don’t know how to have fun and stick up their noses at the people that do. I’m glad I took full advantage of being young and irresponsible and free as lame as that sounds. I think of all the things I did with my friends and wonder how I didn’t get caught, or smile, or laugh my ass off. These moments that I had in these four years (especially the last two) are things I’m not going to be able to forget because they are things I don’t want to forget. I don’t think I could forget any of it if I tried.
The school and the people I shared my experiences with at the school (the ones I like) will always and forever have a special place in my heart.